Perfectionism is a major source of avoidable stress. Stop setting yourself up for failure by demanding perfection. Set reasonable standards for yourself and others, and learn to be okay with “good enough.” For more see www.absolutelypositive.co.uk

 Whats wrong with trying to be  perfect?”  you might ask (particularly if you’re perfectionist). “What’s wrong with striving for excellence?” In one words. “Nothing”.  But the gulf between striving for excellence and striving for perfection is  not just a semantic one. It’s as deep as a moat. Strivers after excellence are realistic. They have a positive motivation the desire to get the job done. They can be happy about having done a great job even thought all their goals may not have been completely met. And they can derive a very  real sense of pleasure from the process (the journey), as much as from the outcome (the destination).
   The perfectionist’s drive for success and accomplishment may seem, on the surface, very similar to that of the healthy “striver for excellence.” However, the underlying dynamics are very different. Strivers after perfectionism are idealistic often to a pathological degree. Theirs is a negative motivation to avoid disapproval, rejection or criticism from other people, or just from the inner critic in their head. Because perfectionists will accept nothing less than, well, ‘perfection’, they are rarely satisfied with the outcomes. In their own eyes, they never seem to do things well enough to warrant a feeling of satisfaction. They are so completely focused on the destination that they never enjoy the journey.

A MANY-LAYERED THING: Perfectionism is multi-dimensional. That  is, it can operate at several different levels. The three main types of perfectionism are:
Self-oriented perfectionism: This is the requirement for the self to be perfect. It is what we usually think of when we use the term perfectionism.
Other-oriented perfectionism: This is the requirement that others (spouse, children, subordinates, other people in general), be perfect.
Socially-prescribed perfectionism: These perfectionists think that others (such as parents, boss, people in general), expectand demand   perfection from them.
    It is only recently that the first test was developed by Canadian researchers to identify and measure the three types of perfectionism.

ARE YOU A PERFECTIONIST ?
    Perfectionists generally know themselves for what they are. But if you’re just beginning to wonder, after reading the preceding paragraphs, whether you might be a perfectionist, you probably are, at least to some degree. If you want to make sure, check whether the  following traits of he perfectionist personality sound familiar. (Also, take the quick quiz: “14 Signs You’re a Perfectionist”).
Unrealistic standards. Just being ‘almost perfect’ is not enough for a perfectionist: It’s tantamount to falling down on the job. The perfectionist is perennially assailed by the feeling that s/he should have done more, in less time, than is reasonable possible. All-or-nothing, black-and-white thinking is typical of the perfectionist: If it’s not perfect, it’s a failure.
   Non-perfectionists may find this difficult to grasp, but when perfectionists are in the process of striving to make something as absolutely perfect as they possibly can, they don’t experience themselves as trying “too hard.” They simply feel as though they’re trying to do a quality job (which., on the face of it, isn’t too shabby a goal). The problem is that other people (those lucky souls who were handed other personality styles) can stop at a reasonable point and proclaim an outcome “good enough.” Perfectionists have a very hard time knowing what “good enough” means.
    Their fear of failure (that is, a job imperfectly done) is so pervasive and unremitting, that it completely eludes perfectionists that, for a human being, perfectionism is a completely unreachable place, a place reserved for the Creator.
All-or-nothing, black-and-white thinking is typical of the perfectionist: If it’s not perfect it’s a failure
A hyper-critical perspective.. The tiniest mistakes and imperfections are magnified by perfectionists into “just won’t do” proportions. They home in and obsess over minor flaws-such as a word or a hair out of place and have trouble seeing hat the job overall has been well done. ‘Finicky’ and ‘fussy’ are words that justifiable describe them. Not only are perfectionists highly critical of themselves but also of others. Rather than do an imperfect job themselves, they end up spending a good amount of time frowning upon the imperfections of others. Criticism then becomes like a recording loop in their brain, playing its jarring tune over and over: Ohmigod, doesn’t she look into a mirror before she leaves the house? Where on earth does he get his statistics from an Ouija board? I’d never be caught dead serving tea in coffee mugs…
    Frozen into inaction by their fear for failure, and riding a runaway roller-coaster of criticism, perfectionists end up spending less and less time attempting something on their own, and more and more time bagging out everyone else.
Defensiveness. Paradoxically, perfectionists can’t take criticism from others, even constructive criticism. They are so full of how they hold themselves to such high standards that criticism simply  feels like an attack to them. They find it hard to see what’s constructive’ about it.
   Deep down, perfectionists are terrified of being vulnerable, of having their flaws exposed.
Need to control.  Perfectionists are control-oriented and disintegrate in the face of loss of control. Because they need to be in control, they can draw non-negotiable lines over insignificant issues such as the arrangement of the living-room furniture or which liquid soap the family will use. They find it hard to see another’s point of view, are unwilling to compromise and will defend their opinion till kingdom come.
Chronic depression.  Because their initial goals are set so high, perfectionists beat themselves up  very time they go unmet. Unable to bounce back easily from disappointment, they wallow in depression. It takes them a very long time to climb out of that pit of misery and move on to the next challenge.
    Their depression can pretty much take on a life of its own: there are perfectionists who view their depression as a flaw and become more depressed.
Anger and stress. Perfectionists feel impotent if they haven’t done their best (or surpassed it) and this can bring on a lot of anger, often hidden and controlled. On the other hand, their critical take on the imperfections of others can also bring on anger, in this case the self-righteous kind.
  It’s hard work having to be to top all the time, so perfectionism unsurprisingly also trails in a load of stress.
Resentment and self-pity.  The lack of real achievement is a common outcome with perfectionists. They lose so much time and energy on small irrelevant details of projects, tasks, even mundane daily activities, have organizational rituals which seem pointless to others, always seem to be needing so much more preparation before getting started on something, that they end up actually achieving far less than others who get on more briskly with the imperfect present.
   Faced with the fact that they are notching up   fewer achievements than others, perfectionists build up a cache of negative emotions:
   Resentment and jealousy Why should others get more rewards than I do when their performance is so average, so full of holes I could pick, when I have a far greater potential for perfection then they do? Self pity Poor me; why can’t people see beyond my immobilization  to my true, never-expressed talents?
Phychological laziness…. The most efficient kind of laziness there is. All the challenges of life, all the big decisions, all the difficult choices, are negotiated in the gray matter of your mind. Give up there and your work is done. And that is why perfectionism is the ideal way to never get past the mental starting-block of any goal, project or change.
Giving  up is much self, much easier, too. You don’t really have to try.
Low self-esteem.   Weight down with the baggage of self censure, perfectionists are unhappy, suffer from low self-esteem. Often, they tend to avoid situations, especially competitive situations, that might showcase their presumed imperfections. (Thus tendency is common even in young children with perfectionistic traits.)
   In addition their rigidity, their confrontational attitude and the hyper-critical glasses with which they view the rest of the world tend to isolate perfectionists from  others; the alienation and loneliness that result lowers their self-esteem even further.
The lack of real achievement is a common outcome with perfetionists

WHERE DOES PERFECTIONISM COME FROM?  What starts this pogo-stick approach to life? A pile of research seems to point strongly to a generic maker for perfectionism. The indications come largely form the study of twins which offers scientists the unique opportunity to examine the extent to which the transmission of a personality trait (like perfectionism) in families is due to environmental or genetic factors. Identical twins share all of their genes, while fraternal twins share, on average, half of their genes. If a trait occurs in both members of identical twin pairs more often than it occurs in both members of fraternal twin pairs, then the disorder can be said to be influenced by genes.
    The results have been surprisingly consistent in pointing to a substantial genetic contribution to traits such as perfectionism., orderliness, low self-esteem ad overall anxiety, all of which are to be found in what has been called the perfectionistic personality. It is likely that multiple genes will eventually be identified as setting  the stage for such a personality.
   Whether single or multiple, however, these genes will necessarily have to interact with environmental influences to bring on the full-blown perfectionistic personality. The childhood history of blown perfectionists  is typically characterized by an over-emphasis on achievement by family members (parents, older siblings, grand-parents). Under such pressure, a child can begin to believe that it is not loved unconditionally, but only for what it  achieves, and only if and when it perfumes. Come home with all A’s and one B? The child would be questioned on why s/he got the B. Such a child doesn’t learn that mistakes are a natural and acceptable part of life, that they are to be honored because they offer us a chance to learn. Failure for such a child equals loss of love.
The bottomline: Perfectionism may originate in the genes, but it is nurtured and cultivated by adults who  teach children that what they do is more important than who they are. Growing into adulthood,  these children come to believe that unless they work hard, unless they give everything their absolutely top effort, they won’t be appreciated and loved. In the end, perfectionism comes down to this need and search for approval and acceptance.
   Because of the probable substantial contribution from genes, compounded by the fact that the family influences start operation very early in a child’s life, perfectionism and its accompanying emotional baggage have been found to make their appearance even in small children. For instance, one experiment  with pre-schoolers  at a computer camp in Toronto showed that even 4-and 5-year-olds possess marked traits for perfectionism. Interviewers asked the children five questions tapping perfectionism levels (e. g. , “How would you like to be perfect”). They then gave the kids a compute task that was rigged to not work. The highly perfectionistic  children showed greater sings of extreme distress, found. Elevated anger and anxiety, the researchers found.
     Having its wellsprings so early in childhood, perfectionism then gains momentum inexorably and takes on a life of its own. Very soon, it becomes a cohort ad a burden you can’t get rid of, pretty much like Sinbad’s Old Man of the Sea.
Those who wrestle with perfectionism tend to have a critical voice in their held telling them their work isn’t good enough, they’re not trying hard enough, and they’re not good enough.